I am a pastor. Hurt. Lost. Still rejoicing in God.

2020 is for sharp vision, see, it’s 20/20. It all depends how you look at life and Nature.

For me, it’s being eternally grateful, trying to be resilient, keep tranquility amidst the storms, evolving, uplifting and encouraging others.

Basically, change the pain, turn it, convert it into creative, positive action, art. Create a chance, show a path for those behind the rainbow. All the neglected, broken, abandoned ones. The ones with shattered hearts.

Only one can make real, meaningful changes in one’s life.

No one else.

 

I’ve just turned to 44. How many years left? I need to live well this time ahead, make every second count on Earth.

God called me when I was 10, but He was with me all time before.

Not that I haven’t had my curvy roads.

Yet, He has helped me, shaped me into who I am and who I can still become.

 

Gratitude.

For the pain, for the brokenness, for the bonemarrow aching grief.

My True Father says, I should recreate Heaven not somewhere else, but turn Hell here into Heaven, that’s the true restoration, that’s what Heavenly Parent has been working on with us.

How right He is!

It’s hard to recall if there has been a single person who wouldn’t have been attracted to God’s light and truth through me and would have actually be interested in how I am doing.

I am OK with that, that’s the beauty of it, being completely ready to pass God’s word to the ones in need.

 

Being left by the wife of 20+ years, being cheated on, called on names and treated as nobody’s dog, shattering all the hope and light – that came unexpected.

I had to learn I can’t take away others’ own part of responsibility no matter how much I wish.

God hasn’t made us to be robots. That simple it is.

Yet, we are living quite often as ignorant, malfunctioning robots. Likeminded zombies.

I know, this is God’s love and trust that I can bear and overcome it.

Still, it took a long time to accept, I am a good person after all – Satan wants us to feel isolated and alone. God is in togetherness.

God is in togetherness.

 

The strongest prayer I ever had was when my son was dying.

Heavenly Father accepted my offering and I’ve never held anything back ever since then.

Poured out every ounce of energy every day, earnestly living for others.

Now, most of the times I sing in my prayers.

When the pain becomes overwhelming, words can’t be formed, my soul only can sing. I learned it from others who went through the unexplainable. Like surviving the genocide in Rwuanda. Still trusting in God, still fighting with unrighteously caused hurt. God helped me to learn this and I’m grateful for this, too.

I am grateful for so many things.

I am grateful for everything.

 

I have never wanted to accept we are all meant to be alone at the end – despite the world’s best efforts to convince us.

But I can’t see how it will turn out.

I feel trapped and in many aspects I am. That is also the trust God can give: a chance to grow by doing something unprecedent, unimaginable.

Wouldn’t call it faith, though.

It’s a fact. Knowledge. Truth in my core.

God has never been in the books. He has always been in the life of those who acted upon their conscience. The ones who accepted without any conditions. The pure hearted ones.

 

I’m still wearing my Blessing ring.

It’s the symbol of my promise to God about me not giving up.

Just it hurts miserably.

For sure, it’s beyond every logic – but it’s a path to follow Jesus, it’s a path to pave for others, to have their life easier. It’s for my children and my spiritual children, too.

Can I be abundantly happy evermore?

Not sure.

On the one hand, I am successful and accepted in almost every aspects in life – except the conjugal relationship.

It’s a contradiction: Heaven is formed in pairs.

So, can a pastor date?

Sure. The world is a big place, seen tons of things.

Can this pastor date?

Nope. He made a promise to God.

Does it hurt?

Yes.

Makes sense?

In a way absolutely no.

Still, it’s a rejoice in Heavenly Parent.

 

 

Be Blessed and Wise!

 

 

Joshua Dragon

You never wanted me

You never wanted me

Just my illusion

A painted shade

On the wall of lovers

 

Our game was meant to be life

We took it too seriously

And went too far

By now separately

 

Words cannot be trusted

There is no more wisdom to earn

Mistaken patience paralyzed

And stopped us to grow

 

Togetherness is an ideal

Not meant to be reached

For those who are abandoned

And live in broken dreams

 

I’m relieving to take a breath

That’s all I have left

Enough to be a good man

And find a kind of happiness

 

 

Joshua Dragon

Drifting

There is a black hole in me

Without singularity

Fragments of life

Say me goodbye

Unreliable memories

Drifting in space

Who could be

You

Wasted me

I can’t embrace

The dead

Any more

Where would you be

If I were still alive

For you

Where would you be

If I were still there

I cannot be

The scent of your garden

Is broken history

 
I’m lonely and lost

I have everything I don’t need

 

 

Joshua Dragon

(from the “Break-up Therapy”)

Now, I am free (Separate togetherness)

I’ve walked on a long, cold, muddy road
I’ve thought light is in your hand you hold
But there was only shades of the night
I became empty, ran out of life

 

You were my temple, religion
You were hope and future illusion
But just lies and grand dellusions
You won freaking, rigged game of yours

 

Now I am empty
Now I am free
Now I can feel
eternity

 

I’m still on the cross, don’t get me wrong
I’m bleeding through all my bloody, deep holes
But I choose to be here, you see
I’m breaking the cycle of endless vanity

 

You can see the world as it goes
You can play your dreams in rabbit holes
You won’t be who you could be
If you don’t look farther than your pain

 

Now I am empty
Now I am free
Now I can feel
eternity

 

We are different galaxies
We have whole different needs
We say and claim different truths
We shall see beyond or lose

 

Now I am empty
Now I am free
Now I can feel
without you
eternity

 

 

Joshua Dragon

(from the “Break-up Therapy”)

I know that you never loved me

I know that you never loved me

You never knew how to love

Truly

How could you give

What never been yours

 

Just and unconcious mind

And a sometimes shining heart

That’s what we were

To each other

 

We took more than we gave

Because we needed to

Survive

Since we never knew how to live

Just to be images

Of a shattered vision

 

Surrogates to our true selves

Which we were hiding

That’s what we were

Expected images

Of the life around

 

I know that you never loved me

You never knew how to love

Truly

I’m just praying these days

For you to recognize

 

 

Joshua Dragon

On separation

As I Can See

God does not like to see the separation of a couple linked by true love; the absolute love of man and woman is eternal Even though God is omniscient and omnipotent, even the absolute God does not have any meaning by Himself. Similarly, no matter how handsome and healthy a man is, he has no meaning without a woman. A man only intoxicated with his style and health is a being without any use. It is a problem that many men on this earth are self-intoxicated, and it is also the cause of this miserable history. We must know that it is God’s providence to change and improve this self intoxicated world.

(from the book: Blessing and Ideal Family)

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On separation

God does not like to see the separation of a couple linked by true love; the absolute love of man and woman is eternal Even though God is omniscient and omnipotent, even the absolute God does not have any meaning by Himself. Similarly, no matter how handsome and healthy a man is, he has no meaning without a woman. A man only intoxicated with his style and health is a being without any use. It is a problem that many men on this earth are self-intoxicated, and it is also the cause of this miserable history. We must know that it is God’s providence to change and improve this self intoxicated world.

(from the book: Blessing and Ideal Family)

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