I’ve felt guilt to feel happy for so long that it’s hard to be and stay happy anymore

Have you ever felt guilt because you had some glimpses of happiness and joy for a time being?

I have.

Actually, I have been trying to push the feeling away because of the despairing echoes of loneliness for so long I can’t even remember how to stay truly happy and joyful for good.

How can I regain control over my happiness?

Am I even worthy to be happy?

Unexpectedly, I found myself imbalanced no matter how much I’d thought I knew how to balance things out. I’m an emotional guy, God made me like this and I never give in to the pit of darkness. Well, not for long. Or at least I know how to ask for help to get out… or I’d thought that’s how I was around in life… it turns out I wasn’t…

So, does that mean I’ve become broken?

Yes.

Took time not to hide it from myself. Took long enough.

What is the takeaway?

Maybe there is none.

Maybe that’s I’m still a human, an immature one, on the way of growth.

But it’s still freaking lonely to keep embracing this distance and not daring to enjoy the warmth of joy, peace and happiness.

I must try, I must keep trying on to shed the shellfragments of loneliness and brokenness, fear of abandonment and the constant present of the past. All the guilt of it.

It’s not on me, it’s not on anyone.

I’m worthy, I was given to give, I’m blessed to bless.

I have shine in me.

I have shine in me.

 

 

Joshua Dragon

My daylight is ending soon

Sometimes it’s half of a life to recognize where the straightest path is…

Prayers for Everybody

It has been a nice life

Could have been better

Closer to You, God

Not just in concepts

And beautiful ideas

But all the times

When I was tried

Put into misery

I should have been more aware

How to manifest Your love

Because You never complain

Neither You are unrigtheous

Only fight with a reason

What correlates with Your Creation

Vanity is not in Your vocabulary, Father

Nor the selfish desires

Though You are the master of

Ceaseless giving and

Love in action with

Firm desires,

Strong dedication,

For the Day to become one

You and I,

You and all of us,

Once and for all,

Again.

My daylight is ending,

Chances are getting a few,

And Iā€™m losing my energy

As I fight the days through.

I think, I need to accept,

Father,

I might not be Your champion,

Or at least not the ultimate,

The best son,

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Loosing friends

It still hurts when I realize how far we are from each other with a friend who would be a real one.

You know, when you don’t even think of how great this what you have is, because you feel it is eternal and everything will be as it is.

And then it’s not.

Hard to find the point when the change starts to happen and then, all of a sudden, you know you are not there where you used to be. Not any more.

And it hurts, hurts a lot.

Where have the good days gone?

You never know. They are just gone.

And you feel the loneliness. The emptiness echoing.

And there is only God to talk.

God who has always been there waiting for you. And now, He is waiting for you to say a word. To say anything.

And there is nothing you can tell Him.

It happens you are empty. There is a void when you understand your real friend is just not that person whom you were thinking as a friend.

Still, God is there.

My friend has been silently waiting for me.

My friend, who has always been there for me. And it was me who became distant. The one who did not respond for His calling.

And still He is here for me.

God still wants to be my friend. Despite I abandoned Him. Despite how I thought we were good when we were not. Despite everything, God is still there.

God is still within.

What am I going to tell Him?

 

 

Joshua Dragon

 

(from my upcoming book: God is Still Within)

 

you can also read: Rebirth ā€“ Again and Rebirth is needed here

Rebirth is needed

As I was combing through the words, wisdoms and teachings this short line enlightened me: Rebirth is needed.

 

How true.

Often forgotten.

 

And the most unusual part? You need to die first, voluntarily.

 

After the foggy days, you know, when the painkillers shred off, everything is sharper yet pale. Thinking back, there were days with daydream-fevers, that state, when everything has its place while you are in and makes completely no sense when you are looking back at it.

Which one is real?

When everything works despite struggles or when nothing seems to be working, feels cold, a bit cruel as you are unwanted, people are uninterested in you, yet, it is said that is reality, that is life.

And the sad part: you feel it is true somewhere.

And you are fighting against yourself, hiding this realization, escaping into mind palaces.

But each escaping is a failure.

You always need to be able to transform any unpleasant circumstances into a more ideal one, creating Heaven with your thoughts, words and actions.

It doesn’t feel right and it is completely nonsense.

Still, the only way to create a better world if you make it. Nobody else will make it for you or to the people you care, love.

 

I have always been lack of bright sense when it came to take care of myself.

At all.

Completely.

 

And now, it’s like left out words waiting after anything I write or think, a predetermined ending.

So, my free will is among the boundaries I’d involuntarily made?

 

God couldn’t have given me my destiny for sure, if I weren’t anywhere near to become a co-creator in life!

 

There is this significant difference with ageing: awareness can be pre-occupied with mindless things and the numbness; the greatest fear of all: loosing me, myself and I. For sure, I am my own flesh, but I am more. Even if science lacks the equipments to measure, I do have a soul, I do have love in me.

 

I do have God in me.

 

At least, there is a place where He had temporary shelter to dwell, at least in a tiny part.

 

And I know, fatal sicknesses are not by Him, but it is scary and hard.

What if?

The what ifs are the scariest and the hardest.

 

I do lead a good life, I am a good person. Yet, I have so many mistakes, I have accidentally wronged others and I had to realize, somewhere I am also vain.

What if my failures…

 

Just get back to life, just get back to help others, especially if they don’t know it, and gain back love to do more.

The foggy days are over.

The rest will be done, either way.

 

 

Joshua Dragon

 

(from my upcoming book: Good is Still Within)

12 Days with God – Day Twelve

Join me for 12 days to spend more time with God, our Heavenly Parent.

Day Twelve ā€“ Paths of Love

Once there was a God who could not help but love and He formed a whole new world to share His love. During the process of Creation He completely invested Himself into it. He became in everything, caring, lovingly. He longed for being loved, too. He had the greatest hope and He did not use the word trust up until it was lost. Betrayed, abandoned and torn apart He became. Yet He has not given up. Although, He had every reason to quit and start again, He has not altered the principles upon He created ever since. So many times, way too many times He was sure the hope was just ahead. And all these times He was betrayed again, again and again. The excruciating pain He has endured has not changed His Absolute Love. Whenever He felt powerless and helpless, waiting for His lost children to recognize their own part of responsibility He could always find the light of hope and nurture it up until it shone again throughout the night in the desert, the desert of bitterness.

He has never given up on any of us. Even when we give up, He stands there and waits, hoping we change. He can see the possibility in us even when we are in doubts, He can envision our best in times when we are unable to see beyond our inabilities.

As He had to grow in love we all need to expand our hearts and discover all the realms of children love, siblings love, conjugal love and parental love ā€“ discover and conquer. Become a true, genuine, original owner. This way to find Him and create, complete the everlasting relationship we have always meant to.

Twelve days with God.

Twelve ways to love.

One day can be like a thousand years, a thousand years can be like one day.

In love. In Absolute Love.

Anything is possible.

Together.

With You, Father!

 

Thank you, for teaching me!

 

 

Your son,

 

-JD-

 

12 Days with God – Day One

12 Days with God – Day Two

12 Days with God – Day Three

12 Days with God – Day Four

12 Days with God – Day Five

12 Days with God – Day Six

12 Days with God – Day Seven

12 Days with God – Day Eight

12 Days with God – Day Nine

12 Days with God – Day Ten

12 Days with God – Day Eleven

 

Feel free to share your own experiences with God, our Heavenly Father and the way towards Him!

12 Days with God – Day Eleven

Join me for 12 days to spend more time with God, our Heavenly Parent.

This is the eleventh day.

You did not choose me,
no, I chose you;
and I commissioned you
to go out and to bear fruit,
fruit that will last;
and then the Father will give you
anything you ask him in my name.
What I command you
is to love one another.
John 15:16-17

 

This is the day of realization.

Days have melted into one. Frontiers and shadows have diminished. Barriers have become less unpenetrable. My personal limitations have decreased. Now, I only find hard to use the right words to share the heart of joy, the mind of purpose with You, Father, with You, who is here now.

When I started this path, I did have the ideas and concepts how and what to do. How narrow understanding it was trying to fit Your ideas and concepts into my thought boxes… I’m smiling on it now, and I know, You are smiling, too: growth, maturity – fruits of Your effort and heart are harvested, as You have been loving silently but with full of Your strength. The only way how we, humans could survive our mournful history is the care, mindset, attitude, ceaseless willingness You have been pouring, Your Blessings on each and every one of us. This is how I am alive, this is how I am healed, this is how I can find new strength and keep going to do better after the failures I make. You have never focused on the flaws in us, You have never pointed a finger on us, You have never excluded us from Your life. It was us, it was me who couldn’t help himself. By now, it is over, You have raised me up, You have exalted me…

All we think of love is mostly a relative, self-confined presumption we eagerly tend to reason and boost about our reasonings and proofs, achievements. This is not who You are, this is not the way to live with You, this is not the life of righteousness, this is not the good foundation of love.

You are absolute.

Your are not our concept, You are not our idea. You can not be bended to fit into the frames of our convenient notions. Instead of looking for one part of You, we ought to perceive You completely, through the Nature, the original Creation. How thoughtfully, profoundly it was shaped! How completely You have invested Yourself into it – for us! For me, too. And for my children, too.

This it the way with everything then: immersing fully into the creation of our life for others, recreating ourselves this way, gaining new life, experiencing the heart and mind of the abundant, utmost love. This is the only way to live.This is the secret of living forever. It has been hidden in plain sight.

I realize it now.

I will apply it for everything, for every relationship in life. My wife, my children, friends and disciples, people in the world, the creation – through this I can give You something, the very thing You have been giving to me, to us: Absolute Love.

 

Thank You, Father, Thank You!

Your son,

 

-JD-

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