I am a pastor. Hurt. Lost. Still rejoicing in God.

2020 is for sharp vision, see, it’s 20/20. It all depends how you look at life and Nature.

For me, it’s being eternally grateful, trying to be resilient, keep tranquility amidst the storms, evolving, uplifting and encouraging others.

Basically, change the pain, turn it, convert it into creative, positive action, art. Create a chance, show a path for those behind the rainbow. All the neglected, broken, abandoned ones. The ones with shattered hearts.

Only one can make real, meaningful changes in one’s life.

No one else.

 

I’ve just turned to 44. How many years left? I need to live well this time ahead, make every second count on Earth.

God called me when I was 10, but He was with me all time before.

Not that I haven’t had my curvy roads.

Yet, He has helped me, shaped me into who I am and who I can still become.

 

Gratitude.

For the pain, for the brokenness, for the bonemarrow aching grief.

My True Father says, I should recreate Heaven not somewhere else, but turn Hell here into Heaven, that’s the true restoration, that’s what Heavenly Parent has been working on with us.

How right He is!

It’s hard to recall if there has been a single person who wouldn’t have been attracted to God’s light and truth through me and would have actually be interested in how I am doing.

I am OK with that, that’s the beauty of it, being completely ready to pass God’s word to the ones in need.

 

Being left by the wife of 20+ years, being cheated on, called on names and treated as nobody’s dog, shattering all the hope and light – that came unexpected.

I had to learn I can’t take away others’ own part of responsibility no matter how much I wish.

God hasn’t made us to be robots. That simple it is.

Yet, we are living quite often as ignorant, malfunctioning robots. Likeminded zombies.

I know, this is God’s love and trust that I can bear and overcome it.

Still, it took a long time to accept, I am a good person after all – Satan wants us to feel isolated and alone. God is in togetherness.

God is in togetherness.

 

The strongest prayer I ever had was when my son was dying.

Heavenly Father accepted my offering and I’ve never held anything back ever since then.

Poured out every ounce of energy every day, earnestly living for others.

Now, most of the times I sing in my prayers.

When the pain becomes overwhelming, words can’t be formed, my soul only can sing. I learned it from others who went through the unexplainable. Like surviving the genocide in Rwuanda. Still trusting in God, still fighting with unrighteously caused hurt. God helped me to learn this and I’m grateful for this, too.

I am grateful for so many things.

I am grateful for everything.

 

I have never wanted to accept we are all meant to be alone at the end – despite the world’s best efforts to convince us.

But I can’t see how it will turn out.

I feel trapped and in many aspects I am. That is also the trust God can give: a chance to grow by doing something unprecedent, unimaginable.

Wouldn’t call it faith, though.

It’s a fact. Knowledge. Truth in my core.

God has never been in the books. He has always been in the life of those who acted upon their conscience. The ones who accepted without any conditions. The pure hearted ones.

 

I’m still wearing my Blessing ring.

It’s the symbol of my promise to God about me not giving up.

Just it hurts miserably.

For sure, it’s beyond every logic – but it’s a path to follow Jesus, it’s a path to pave for others, to have their life easier. It’s for my children and my spiritual children, too.

Can I be abundantly happy evermore?

Not sure.

On the one hand, I am successful and accepted in almost every aspects in life – except the conjugal relationship.

It’s a contradiction: Heaven is formed in pairs.

So, can a pastor date?

Sure. The world is a big place, seen tons of things.

Can this pastor date?

Nope. He made a promise to God.

Does it hurt?

Yes.

Makes sense?

In a way absolutely no.

Still, it’s a rejoice in Heavenly Parent.

 

 

Be Blessed and Wise!

 

 

Joshua Dragon

What does it mean to be a pastor?

It’s been 6 years by now since this blog started. With around 1200 posts, ups and downs, tremendous changes in life, there is this question to raise: what does it mean to be a pastor?

Actually, this should also include what it takes to be a pastor.

 

What is a pastor, anyway?

 

First, there are the easy answers: caretaker, soulfinder, listener, advisor, friend.

The one who is always there for you even if you don’t show up and never call back – just when you are in need to feel better in your self-made personal hell.

 

Was Jesus a pastor? Of course, He wasn’t.

Yet He was, indeed.

 

There is this unceasing need deep down in all of us to get better, to feel happy and be less miserable – to get at least a little grasp of joy when it seems dark.

Overachievers obviously want to save the world, to shape it to Heaven or at least start the process on their own way and understanding.

Now, I’m an overachiever here, it seems.

 

There are the other answers for being a pastor, the ones making me uneasy almost all the time: immaculate, clear, spotless, a growing child of God, our Heavenly Parent. Somebody who always smiles, wise and stays in a tranquil place.

It took me a longer while to admit it to myself: I’m not always immaculate nor clear, I have stains and although I really long for helping God, mostly I’m challenged and can be shattered easier than it would be convenient.

How selfish, I know…

 

Though I’m dedicated and persevering, these that’s for sure I’ve inherited and learned the hard way from my Father, Reverend Moon. Yes, He is my spiritual Father, feels closer than my real one ever. Actually, He had me have brighter understanding of my trapped biological parents.

I’ve always felt Jesus, Yeshua is my brother, the real one.

The same goes to my children as they frequently can meet and talk to Him.

 

Honesty is also a part of being a pastor, the bare truth to be told and shown with nothing to hide or hold back.

Actually, I’m always saying the truth, I’m unable to lie or hold back. Tricky thing with when it comes to gifts and surprises.

 

Uncompromised.

That’s a treat once I thought worth to give up and will lead to personal salvation and liberation, so that would affect to whole world, or at least a larger part of it, faster and greater, more efficient.

How wrong I was…!

 

God had me live a various life to gain a large skilset, now I know in order to utilize those skills for helping the world, helping Him better.

And that’s not a one way street, more comes always back when the giving is absolute, unconditional.

 

Humble?

Putting myself low in order to have others feel better and greater is never the way – though I used to have this practice.

However, each and every one of us has a unique, unprecedent value, a special truth in ourselves that nobody else has ever had nor ever will have. We are all one of a kind representatives of the very same Heavenly Parent.

We are all the same in our differences and together we make a whole.

 

There are several ways of guiding others, being a mediator in between God and the ones who do not even know they are lost. Sacrifice, is a major thing in it.

Although none of us will ever have to bear what Jesus had to, yet, emotionally we are going through our Golgothas all the time, we are on the cross voluntarily. This is the way to experience the suffering and aching heart of our Heavenly Parent. And it is not about us – we can say no anytime.

 

We are free.

But with free will comes responsibility.

The greater the knowledge, the greater the stake.

Everybody is responsible according to his/her understanding.

And I like knowing more and more…

 

Ultimately, everything comes to this: loving the world -and here it means actions without expecting anything in return- must be more important than loving our own children and family, ourselves. Of course, there must be a balance in a way, but the focus should be on those, who are further from the ideal.

That’s something we have been taught by Jesus and God a lot…

 

I’m sure I need to find a right balance in between self-care and living for the sake of others, too. At least sometimes treat of refreshing sleep and more regular meals are ways to do even more.

I am not omnipotent, and I tend to forget it.

So, this one is also true: being a pastor means paving a way in finding internal-external balance, too.

 

Prayers must be actions and anything can be a prayer in this aspect.

 

Let’s pray-act together!

 

 

Blessings!

 

 

Joshua Dragon

 

 

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