Tears of God – God is Within

(from the upcoming book: God is Within)

There was always a sadness around God. I couldn’t describe it in the beginning, however, thinking back, He was never thunderously joyful. Maybe it was me or just the world around – He never actually laughed and brought the eternal rainbow. It was only me who painted the sky…

In my long awakening -and falling asleep periods- I studied a lot about Him. Mind-travelled to East, South, North and West, thin air and ancient wisdom. It looked every culture had a different entity to respect, fear, adore, praise, love, hate. Some others seemed to understand a little and added their own ideas or agendas to fill the gaps, declaring a ‘truth’, benefitting their own purposes or hiding their vanity, or lack.

I kept trying to fit my experiences to churches, denominations, cults, even theists. Although, practical questions such as UFOs, poverty, cruelty, slavery, unrighteousness never got an easing explanation, the experiences to keep up with the flow and finding a suitable stream ending up with incompatibility, rather poor logic or the extreme were on…

First, I didn’t understand who God was.

Secondly, thirdly neither. Music, movies gave more ‘this must be true’ than anything else. I was blind, deaf, mute – completely senseless most of the times. Temporary, I came to the surface, saw in the dark than I doubted and convinced myself to numbness…

I remember calling to the Moon, shouting, half-crying at a night in a crowded city, where I felt the most lonely among millions. The answer was ahead, yet I didn’t want to endure more; chose sinking into the mediocre denial.

The glimpses of channeling the Truth at late nights for strangers, talking about the final fire dance where no modern vanity matters, being without electricity, living as true selves in harmony are still vivid. How far these were from state of resonance, unity!

I was composing. Daytime, sensing the necessity in my blood cells and soul I just sat and started to record. Immediately, I traveled through time and space, arriving to a void.

God wasn’t ‘out there’. I was in Him, like a part of His universal body and felt His longing, the urge, the hope. He was joyous even for imaging His desire…

Extreme amount of time passed, but then there was no such a concept of time and space. States of fulfillment and the era until. Although, time is linear, God both lived in the Ideal and the long planning, this way He got ceaseless energy.

The first echoes filled the Galaxy. Then, accelerated formation of the elements, life forms as He was trying to find the best form of His love objects, His manifested children and then family…

Eve was playing with a jumping rope, singing, melted into the happiness and care of the Garden. God was with her and she was curious about His Father. Adam was slightly different, however, deeply loved Him. The Main Servant, who enjoyed the most trust and love was there, helping and serving, guiding and protecting. After the Creation, Lucifer spent most of the times with the Children…

Everything was on the way of growth and maturation, as a tree needs to look for the Sun, straightening its trunk, everybody had conditions to fulfill and to be Blessed…

There was no fault in the Plan. It was always obvious, whatever is out of the realm of God’s Heart, will be in the coldest, never existed realm, what has no place in the Universe.

The free will was never meant to do anything, rather the freedom of asking, discovering based on the pattern around in the Nature…

Nobody was completed. Angels had a special gift planned and prepared, gratitude of God for their service. Their condition was -unknown by them- to let Adam and Eve marry in front of God, guiding and escorting them all the way long. They didn’t understand and Lucifer didn’t ask. God felt the gloom. If He intervenes He breaks His own laws, and He was omnipotent. He hoped Children or Caretaker would come and ask so He could guide. No one succeeded this condition.

Confusion, misunderstanding, growing jealousy and loneliness, being abandoned – Lucifer was scared. All the Creation received and expected God’s Wisdom from him, this time, he was helpless. And attracted. Attracted to Eve who loved him seemingly utmost.

Eve was spiritually complete, they made love.

Eve immediately inherited all the fear and doubts from the Archangel. Instead of shouting to her real Father she chose Adam to comfort her heart. Adam also was in lack of maturation and loved the teasing satisfaction. No one looked for God…

He was crying. His bitter tears were running through His face when He asked the Children. He really wanted to give a second chance, at least, if they recognize, ask, then something can be done. Denial, neglecting, hidden shivering, fear based arrogance. Blaming, accusing the very One who only knew goodness. He died there but was alive. Wanted to leave but couldn’t.

He lost everything. His dreams, joy, energy, fortune, family was gone. He lost everything…

Uncountable time has passed. The sorrow of God, our Heavenly Parent has never been changed. Beloved ones turned to be enemies, He became outcast, desperate, lonely. Yet, He couldn’t stop loving, caring and helping…

As I was composing the piano suite ‘Once there was a God…’ I was sobbing, crying, started to feel a part of God’s Heart and life. He was never really happy, He was to most sorrowful in the whole Universe.

From that hour on, I’m eternally linked to Him. Whether I fail or overcome and grow, this connection is always there.

My purpose is simple: wipe away His tears and laugh and dance together. And this brings the very best for my family and the world.



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