Asked

I am often asked why I’m so different or bigot or just simply, why I do not lead a life like any other.

For a long while, I always started to explain, reason, give insights to share my understanding, being always polite, listening and only later respond. However, all these ended up with the unpleasant feeling of not being heard, listened, cared. It took time I realized, most of the conversations were one-sided, nobody was really curious about my response. As I grew, I learned and experienced: for everything a mutual give and receive pattern is necessary…

I am firm in my faith. To be blunt, I do not believe. I know.

I was called by God, in several ways, although, in the midst of the spiritual growing plenty of times I missed the guidance, skipped the boat of fortune and was stubborn in selfishly vain. Whenever I was asked, it was a definite headache for my Heavenly Father, whether I can make it, live up to it, or keep repeating what shouldn’t. It affected all my family, people and in many ways the world around.

Only when I stopped self-accusing, all the deaf speakers started to listen and care.

Elders, better-established members of the society, even family and people of faith came to seek advice. Later on, they stopped talking, they only wanted to listen, hear and being advised, healed.

Perseverance. Perseverance was the most challenging in the times of lonely self-doubts. Praying, meditating, reading, studying, repeating, correcting, analyzing, checking, trying, failing, re-trying – all led to the state of self-esteem, a state of value. I couldn’t be humble when I said it; when I forgot it and myself an example occured for others.

Being afraid of loosing my old self was a great obstacle during the years. That time I didn’t know I could be more, still me, but much closer to the absolute values. As I immersed myself in the living for the sake of others, enormous gifts of life appeared, and state of resonance, a living proof of God in me and in life.

How, why, when – people are constantly searching for God, our Heavenly Father. Life and heart is my answer, their ladder, their link.

 

(from the book: God is Within)

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